Patience is key...

Sometimes you just have to kick yourself and just move on... and try not to trip over your own dumb mistakes.

Lol, so I know the type of things that I should NOT be doing while conversing with people, particularly my husband... especially when talking over a subject of debate.

And yet, what do I do? I drag myself into murky waters, with no flashlight :P

Yeah, so people... do not jump the gun and talk about stuff that is not directly pertaining to what you are going through now...

Ugh, meaning don't talk/discuss/argue something that'll happen in the future. The topics in this list could include stuff like future baby names, for example.

I brought up a more important topic, but at an irrelevant time.

There's a time for everything and so it's important to be patient.

But at the same time, don't be afraid to open a can of worms at the right time. That is, that if something is bothering you then you should bring it up... unless it's something which is very trivial and you could live with it for the rest of your marriage.

Opening a can of worms could be good for your marriage.

Like I have previously said, studies back the notion that it's ok to argue because that does not ruin a marriage... Rather, it's the WAY you argue which can ruin a marriage.

My husband and I hardly ever argue... but when we do, it can get intense and there's tears etc. but alhamdulillah we ALWAYS come out stronger because we keep talking, then take a break to think (since we're upset) and then we come back to the argument. Sometimes we'll quit the argument plenty of times because we're still upset but then we'll always come back and ask each other how we can resolve it. Also we try to explain, in a different way, our points of view. So keep at something that really means something to you until both of you can reach a happy medium.

At the same time, don't push things out of proportion. Discuss only important things in such depth. Don't pass derogatory comments. Be respectful, listen, be patient and remember above all... this is YOUR marriage so make it work :)

And, try not to trip over your own mistakes.

A link...

A friend of mine shared this link with me and I really liked it.

Take a look:

http://www.suhaibwebb.com/personaldvlpt/what-did-you-say-honey/

We're getting better at this :)

Alhamdulillah, things are getting better :D

We moved into our new appt in NC and finally got some time to relax n reconnect without the stress of things weighing down on us!

I got some really constructive advice about my last post and insha'Allah I plan on implementing it in my day to day life.

Marriage is so wonderful, but you will never experience this kind of closeness or relationship with any one other than your spouse therefore it really helps to have friends who know what they're talking about.

Of course experience is the best teacher.

And alhamdulillah I have been blessed with a very supportive and helpful husband... we are just having to learn how to adjust our habits to better suit each other.

I guess the stress level goes up whenever we meet, to some extent, because we always have something huge looming whenever I visit him.

The first time I had gone over the summer, it was my in-laws and ramadaan. This time it was the move... and we always have such a time crunch to get things done in.

I mean this stuff is hard for experienced and long-married couples and we're just new at everything.

So this post is primarily to thank the people who provided me with awesome advice and my more 'seasoned' married people :) Jazaak Allah khayr.

Oh, and one of the advice that I got was for hubby and I to make a list of chores and to divide it by preferences. Like I know he hates doing dishes, so I can do that and maybe he can do something that I don't particularly enjoy in return. But of course, on the weekends :)

Thanks everyone!

i'm all out of ideas...

How do you take the bachelor out of a husband?

So, my husband and I have hardly lived together... but the last time we spent an extended amount of time together, my in-laws were here and the house was all tidied up before I even arrived so I basically had to maintain it and just make changes...

This time I came, things were kind of neat... but there were things that needed a lot of work... like dishes were still in the sink and some of 'em were beginning to stink and the sponge probably had a life of its own! LOL

So anyhow, I took care of that first hurdle and my poor hubby had already cooked so everything was going well... After that, we went on our delayed honeymoon for a week.

And now we're back and supposed to be moving out of this apartment and moving to a place that's 4 hrs away... and, the apartment is a mess and I am superbly overwhelmed!

And guess what? There's dishes and empty wrappers, receipts, labels and all sorts of stuff all over the place i.e. the kind of stuff that drives me nuts... I guess because I'm not used to this!

I'm not usually a very tidy person but my mess consists of just clothes and books... here, it's things that are actually going bad :S

I feel like it's a scene from one of those movies where they show a teenager who discovers a month old slice of pizza from under their bed! hehe

So yeah, I'm at a loss for how to deal with this... I don't want to sound naggy but at the same time I can't tolerate all of this nor figure out what to do...

I'll clean up and help hubby out and take care of some domains of the household... but then I've got to draw the line somewhere, right?

I've told my hubby that I'll take care of the dishes, but he's GOT to leave his in the sink... god, I washed/rinsed some dishes before we left... thinking that they were all... We just got back yesterday and I discovered that there was a pile of bowls and empty wrappers that we under our coffee table so I totally missed 'em! Sigh.

Alhamdulillah I have an awesome husband but he's got these 'bachelor days' habits and I don't know how to deal with all of this. So don't get me wrong... he is helpful and usually does more than I and we've all got quirks... but like I said, some kinds of messes just make me cringe... so how do I fix this?

Any ideas, please?

Because we're at this point, sitting in separate rooms and not even really talking because we're both so overwhelmed :(

I still love him to death, I just need a creative solution.

Where does a wife draw the line?

Peace.

on a side note...

I don't know how I feel about the new background template for my blog :S

Comments, anyone?

...vacation...

I have finals next week, the last being on Thursday, Dec 10th and insha'Allah I'll be flying in the morning of the 11th.

I don't know if any of my friends know, but I'm an increasingly anxious traveler :(... That is, even when I AM traveling with other people... but I'm going to traveling alone, for the second time in my life and that makes me a little nervous. Plus, I'm going to a totally new airport.

The last time I had gone to SC, I had gone via the airport in Charlotte, NC but now I'll be flying through GA. I had previously been to the one in NC before flying alone because I had once traveled to see hubby with my mom. This time I don't even know what to expect and also, the airport is bigger. I just hope Allah makes things easy for me.

Anyhow, I'm just hoping the excitement and anticipation of finally being able to reunite with my hubby, even though it's gonna be short, will override any worries that I may have about traveling alone.

The 2 fears that I have, getting lost when on the road and traveling alone, seemed to have been caused because of my mom LOL. She gets lost all the time :( and I remember being afraid to go to new places with her as a kid. In fact, there was this one time we were soooo lost and the car was running out of gas and the car apparently hit 'reserve' a few times and we were terrified that we'd get stranded. Sigh, haha the misery :) but we made it ok.

Thank God for cell phones now... I just pull mine out whenever I start feeling anxious.

Ok, enough of that.

I can't believe I'll be on vacation and with hubby in 10 days insha'Allah. I know I've mentioned before, but long distance relationships are VERY hard. It's because you love someone and you can't even be with them.

I can't wait till March so that I'm done with school :D insha'Allah.

Sigh... this visit couldn't have come at a better time, I was beginning to lose it! I don't think I could've held up any longer without seeing him.

I pray that everyone who is married, will always remain close to their spouses and find much happiness there. And for those that are not married, may Allah bless them with a marriage in the near future and grant them much happiness and success in their endeavors as well.

I'm out, it's morning now and I've got 3 hrs to catch some ZzzzZ's... I just could not sleep!

Take care and peace-

While strolling upon a rosy path, one may encounter an occasional thorn...

Relationships are hard.
Marriage is full of amazing days and lot of good times, believe me.

But of course, it would be untrue to say that you'll never have the occasional argument. Also, I believe I have mentioned before it's always about something small!

What have I learned through my over one year of being married?

Guys and girls think very differently.
And so, unfortunately it seems that a lot of times things get lost in translation.

Ok, before I get into this post, I wanted to let you all know that maybe later in this blog I'll share the stuff which I have been learning in my Psych of Interpersonal Relationships class.

Back to posting now...

Hmmm... yeah, so I take myself to be very well read when it comes to relationship advice books, columns and everything. Why? Haha, more out of personal interest. There was a time when I thought of going into marriage counseling as a career choice too, I guess it could still happen...

So anyhow, yeah there's a few things I know (I don't remember if I've ever mentioned these before) like:

* It is best to use XYZ statements when dealing with an issue that may be upsetting you about your partner. For example instead of saying "You're so annoying, you're always making a mess!", it's more efficient to say " When you come home and put your clothes in the wrong place, I feel annoyed". Obviously this was just a random example.

So yeah, XYZ statements rely on the pattern "When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z".


* Take turns talking, let your partner finish stating how they are feeling before you start with your own feelings. And, throughout your conversation hint back to things that your partner said (paraphrase) so that you validate that you were actually listening.

A word of advice, it takes some training to usually get guy to talk about their feelings, but in the long run it is important that both partners are able to communicate their feelings with each other (I'm still working on this one).



Ok, so these were just 2 bits of advice that I've shared from academia.

The rest pertains to my own life experiences and has statistical backing as well.


What I think is the best piece of advice that I can give to anyone is... COOL OFF before you continue your conversation.
Meaning, something has upset you and you want to talk about it... but obviously you are upset and you may have every right to be (emotions aren't rational, always, yet they should not be shrugged off... Personally I HATE it if people tell me "Oh you're always crying!"... Dude, I don't do it for theatrical effect! I do it coz i'm actually upset, whether you approve or disapprove). Well instead of doing what you feel like doing, move away! YES, YOU... MOVE!

Why? Isolating yourself from a potentially damaging argument, while you are being irrational, is better than 'talking' about it right then and there.

Sounds strange, huh?

Well statistics show that the number of arguments that a couple has does not play as big a role in determining whether they'll stay together, as does ever rare, but ugly, fighting.

It is important to be polite and stay calm/collected while arguing as well and this cannot be achieved unless you have given yourself enough time to flush out all of that extra adrenaline.

Honestly, I'm sure all of us has said at least ONE thing to someone while we were angry which we regretted later.

So yeah, fight... but do it tactfully! Nobody likes ugly :S


Now, back to me...

I feel truly blessed because I have the most caring and considerate husband alhamdulillah.

The only problem is... we have 2 very different ways of dealing with things!

He prefers to avoid fights by avoiding the topics and I'm ok with jumping into the topic head first... but of course, after my cool down period.

Another problem, usually him and I argue over the phone... so he gets offended over why I hang up on him when I'm upset. So yeah, girls will think 'Oh, he should understand that I'm angry because of so and so'... but darling! He's clueless... poor guy misses the forest (the issue raised during the argument) and is focusing on the tree (hanging up)... so of course he feels hurt! :(

This is where I'll say that girls need to be trained... be open to your husband.
Explain to him beforehand that when you argue, you aren't upset with HIM but instead you're upset with an issue... Trust me, he'll miss that. (I love you, honey!)

Also, explain to him that you need some time to cool down so that you can be rational... and discuss these techniques with him on a normal day when you're being all cuddly so that he won't be hurt by your actions on the day in question. Because otherwise he might think that you need space from him.


So yeah, if you have married Mr. Right it's the little things that drive you nuts but hopefully some of the advice that I put down here will help :)


Pardon me for any grammatical errors or senseless sentence formations! It's 5:30 a.m. and I have not slept all night :(


Keep me in your prayers and I hope that all of you find Mr. Right and live happily ever after (remember to achieve that, it takes tactfulness and skills... we ain't livin' in no fairytale!)



Source of Information: http://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Relationships-Rowland-Miller/dp/0073370185/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1259231531&sr=8-1