This blog has 'seen' me through school, weight troubles, marriage, ups and downs, pregnancy and our adoption journey.
Since I've entered a new decade, in the last few months, I am kind of stuck trying to explore what I want to do with my life...but moreso, I am trying to figure out if maybe I have something that I might have to offer to the world?
A lot of my 20s was trying to figure out who I was and just trying to roll with the punches of being a young person, getting married younger than most people around me and then of starting a young family. As I have entered my 30s, and I now have a child in school and one who is a toddler, I am trying to figure out where to further direct my life? I guess, what is the next chapter for me?
I feel this energy in my chest and I feel like I am on the verge of something, and that my heart is just willing and wanting to explode...my biggest problem is that I am struggling with where that direction is? Where do I channel all of this energy and passion that I have? It is weird...I honestly do not know what I want to do with my life...
But then I think, maybe I do know what I want to do, but I feel restricted by housework, having to care for the kids and just the day to day life...I don't think I have the time or resources to really research what I am passionate about. If I sit back and think about it, I think that realization is the one that scares me the most...that maybe it's not meant for me?
I love my kids, my husband and my life...and caring for them used to fulfill me in a way that nothing did, and it still does, but now I think I want an identity for myself as well. Something that will make me feel like I am living my true purpose in life.
I have been blessed beyond measure, I am so grateful for all of the things, good and bad, that have happened in these past 9 years. I married the most amazing guy, who gave me the confident to discover myself and my worth. I got to experience motherhood x 2 even after struggling with the heartache and pain of infertility.
I am just torn right now...I feel like I am at the verge of something amazing but I am also limited by the other hats that I wear. If I were to honestly, just for the first time, put to "paper" what I would need, to reach where I want to be (the thoughts that I am so afraid to say out loud/or even think about)...I would want someone to take over cooking, cleaning for a few months and maybe find a babysitter to watch the kids for just 1-2 hours per week so that I would have some "alone" and "quiet" time to explore the possibilities out there in the world for me.
There, I said it, and I already feel so much lighter :)
Thank you blog.
