Dear Inspiration,
Most of my 20s, and most of life, was spent being a wallflower and not really making many decisions for myself. I basically did what "felt" right but actually without much thought or feeling being involved. I went from finishing college, where I did just 'okay' because even there I had no confidence, never really took any risks nor "made" many decisions. Then I got married, even before I graduated, because that is what I thought I wanted, which honestly was also kind of an escape from the black/white life that I was stuck in. Thankfully I married the perfect person, and may the Lord bless him because he put up with a lot of crap that came with not really knowing what I was doing?
I didn't really know what I was doing...and only in the past year have I really started finding out who I am...and it took me 4 years to come to that point, in the first place. I never learned to expect more for myself or to do things for myself, all I had been taught was to do things for others.
When I first got married, I thought I had it in me just to serve another human being...cook and clean (although I sucked at it), and that that was all there was to life. I thought I would find meaning in that. But again, that was just me trying to escape the life that I had been in prior to my marriage.
So the first many years in my marriage soon became about "me me me", once I figured out I was no good at the whole being a "dutiful" wife thing. Again, thank you to my husband for being an amazing human being!
Anyways, so it took being diagnosed with secondary infertility for me to start questioning life and my purpose in it. Naturally any person that got married to a great guy, had one adorable child, would want to add to their family...my husband and I always discussed maybe having
four kids. The day we officially got the diagnosis was a very difficult one. I felt like the ground beneath me had opened. I had gto have my mom come over to stay with me for two days, which is all she could do due to work. I couldn't function. Everything sucked. You see, after marriage, I had only ever thought of being a mom as the most fulfilling role. I honestly let the role define me, and above all it totally consumed me...in an unhealthy way, many times. I had absolutely no life apart from my child. My husband most definitely came last...now I realize that it wasn't the best thing.
Infertility is what made me really have to sit down and reevaluate my life... I no longer had what I thought was my biggest purpose in life, I had to realize that there must be more...
I am still grateful for that. Secondary infertility, now in hindsight, was one of the best things that happened to me...because believe me, it tore me apart...
What happens when you reach your bottom, are torn up and totally shredded apart? Well, you are forced to rebuild yourself. I had a child and a husband whom I loved to the moon and back... they allowed me to rebuild myself from the bottom up.
That is what brought me to this point...
