Relationships are hard.
Marriage is full of amazing days and lot of good times, believe me.
But of course, it would be untrue to say that you'll never have the occasional argument. Also, I believe I have mentioned before it's always about something small!
What have I learned through my over one year of being married?
Guys and girls think very differently.
And so, unfortunately it seems that a lot of times things get lost in translation.
Ok, before I get into this post, I wanted to let you all know that maybe later in this blog I'll share the stuff which I have been learning in my Psych of Interpersonal Relationships class.
Back to posting now...
Hmmm... yeah, so I take myself to be very well read when it comes to relationship advice books, columns and everything. Why? Haha, more out of personal interest. There was a time when I thought of going into marriage counseling as a career choice too, I guess it could still happen...
So anyhow, yeah there's a few things I know (I don't remember if I've ever mentioned these before) like:
* It is best to use XYZ statements when dealing with an issue that may be upsetting you about your partner. For example instead of saying "You're so annoying, you're always making a mess!", it's more efficient to say " When you come home and put your clothes in the wrong place, I feel annoyed". Obviously this was just a random example.
So yeah, XYZ statements rely on the pattern "When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z".
* Take turns talking, let your partner finish stating how they are feeling before you start with your own feelings. And, throughout your conversation hint back to things that your partner said (paraphrase) so that you validate that you were actually listening.
A word of advice, it takes some training to usually get guy to talk about their feelings, but in the long run it is important that both partners are able to communicate their feelings with each other (I'm still working on this one).
Ok, so these were just 2 bits of advice that I've shared from academia.
The rest pertains to my own life experiences and has statistical backing as well.
What I think is the best piece of advice that I can give to anyone is... COOL OFF before you continue your conversation.
Meaning, something has upset you and you want to talk about it... but obviously you are upset and you may have every right to be (emotions aren't rational, always, yet they should not be shrugged off... Personally I HATE it if people tell me "Oh you're always crying!"... Dude, I don't do it for theatrical effect! I do it coz i'm actually upset, whether you approve or disapprove). Well instead of doing what you feel like doing, move away! YES, YOU... MOVE!
Why? Isolating yourself from a potentially damaging argument, while you are being irrational, is better than 'talking' about it right then and there.
Sounds strange, huh?
Well statistics show that the number of arguments that a couple has does not play as big a role in determining whether they'll stay together, as does ever rare, but ugly, fighting.
It is important to be polite and stay calm/collected while arguing as well and this cannot be achieved unless you have given yourself enough time to flush out all of that extra adrenaline.
Honestly, I'm sure all of us has said at least ONE thing to someone while we were angry which we regretted later.
So yeah, fight... but do it tactfully! Nobody likes ugly :S
Now, back to me...
I feel truly blessed because I have the most caring and considerate husband alhamdulillah.
The only problem is... we have 2 very different ways of dealing with things!
He prefers to avoid fights by avoiding the topics and I'm ok with jumping into the topic head first... but of course, after my cool down period.
Another problem, usually him and I argue over the phone... so he gets offended over why I hang up on him when I'm upset. So yeah, girls will think 'Oh, he should understand that I'm angry because of so and so'... but darling! He's clueless... poor guy misses the forest (the issue raised during the argument) and is focusing on the tree (hanging up)... so of course he feels hurt! :(
This is where I'll say that girls need to be trained... be open to your husband.
Explain to him beforehand that when you argue, you aren't upset with HIM but instead you're upset with an issue... Trust me, he'll miss that. (I love you, honey!)
Also, explain to him that you need some time to cool down so that you can be rational... and discuss these techniques with him on a normal day when you're being all cuddly so that he won't be hurt by your actions on the day in question. Because otherwise he might think that you need space from him.
So yeah, if you have married Mr. Right it's the little things that drive you nuts but hopefully some of the advice that I put down here will help :)
Pardon me for any grammatical errors or senseless sentence formations! It's 5:30 a.m. and I have not slept all night :(
Keep me in your prayers and I hope that all of you find Mr. Right and live happily ever after (remember to achieve that, it takes tactfulness and skills... we ain't livin' in no fairytale!)
Source of Information: http://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Relationships-Rowland-Miller/dp/0073370185/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1259231531&sr=8-1
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Some decisions don't have to be made overnight...
After weird bouts of randomly breaking out into tears, I have come to the conclusion that I'm done with crying.
My husband and I were talking on the phone tonight and he, as well as others, reminded me that I don't have to know (or make a decision about) what I want to do with the rest of my life, right now.
'A' is an amazing husband and he just told me, 'Try out whatever you want to do and then see what you like best' but of course, there's always that 'make sure you don't neglect your duties' clause :) Which I'm totally down for.
Call it old-fashioned or conservative, but I believe that no one can take better care of my husband/house/future kids than me. I would love to be the one to do these jobs, but at the same time, I'm not oppressed in any way because I have the most caring, considering and helpful husband. He would never make me do everything, without offering to help. Alhamdulillah.
But, I have to admit, after seeing so many different people around, I have been kind of torn as to what I feel is my moral duty vs. what I think I want to do with my life.
'A' just told me he'd support me in whatever I decided to do, as long as we weren't overworked partners who would not have time for each other.
So what I think I want to do, once I graduate in March, is to look for volunteer opportunities in the community and see how I can help out. This could always change, because like my husband was saying... I should give everything a try and see how I like it.
I can't just jump the gun and assume that I'll love working, or being a housewife.
To my hubby 'A': Thank you so much baby for being so supportive, I love you very much and I pray that our love only continues to grow in the future.
My husband and I were talking on the phone tonight and he, as well as others, reminded me that I don't have to know (or make a decision about) what I want to do with the rest of my life, right now.
'A' is an amazing husband and he just told me, 'Try out whatever you want to do and then see what you like best' but of course, there's always that 'make sure you don't neglect your duties' clause :) Which I'm totally down for.
Call it old-fashioned or conservative, but I believe that no one can take better care of my husband/house/future kids than me. I would love to be the one to do these jobs, but at the same time, I'm not oppressed in any way because I have the most caring, considering and helpful husband. He would never make me do everything, without offering to help. Alhamdulillah.
But, I have to admit, after seeing so many different people around, I have been kind of torn as to what I feel is my moral duty vs. what I think I want to do with my life.
'A' just told me he'd support me in whatever I decided to do, as long as we weren't overworked partners who would not have time for each other.
So what I think I want to do, once I graduate in March, is to look for volunteer opportunities in the community and see how I can help out. This could always change, because like my husband was saying... I should give everything a try and see how I like it.
I can't just jump the gun and assume that I'll love working, or being a housewife.
To my hubby 'A': Thank you so much baby for being so supportive, I love you very much and I pray that our love only continues to grow in the future.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
This blog is turning...
I guess this blog was primarily supposed to be about the events leading up to my marriage and maybe a little after... but I guess now it's set to record all of the happenings in my life.
I actually, just now, even considered making a new blog but then I don't know if this aspect of my life is separate than everything else... I guess all of these dimensions make a person who they are.
And, the person that you become in the end, DOES play into what kind of life/marriage you lead.
So anyhow, what got me writing today is, I was going through one of my old e-mail inboxes and reading some of the old messages in there. Well, I had actually created that e-mail address as I was graduating out of high school and about to move to the United States. And so the messages that I was reading were all about when I had recently moved here and how my friends and I were adjusting to our new lives, in the various different countries that we went to for university. (On a side thought, I was always amazed at how people from all different parts end up at OSU... but I guess I'm just one of them too! haha)
Ok, moving on :P...
[I purposely do not organize the thoughts in this blog... it's not systematic because I like to put down things as they come in my head... it makes me feel like it preserves the essence of my craziness! :) ]
So yeah, reading my old messages really got me reminiscing and thinking about how even someone like me, at the age of just 22, has so many dimensions and stories to my life. There's days that I feel like I've been living in the US forever, but then when I sit back and think about it... my life was sooooo different just around 4 1/2 years ago.
Sigh... I am just easily excited, maybe.
I mean the stuff I write most people, like me, probably already know... but isn't it strange that one can feel so awe-ed when they re-realize something! Haha... a total 'AHA' moment :P
I love reflections.
And, with this I'll end :D
Peace.
I actually, just now, even considered making a new blog but then I don't know if this aspect of my life is separate than everything else... I guess all of these dimensions make a person who they are.
And, the person that you become in the end, DOES play into what kind of life/marriage you lead.
So anyhow, what got me writing today is, I was going through one of my old e-mail inboxes and reading some of the old messages in there. Well, I had actually created that e-mail address as I was graduating out of high school and about to move to the United States. And so the messages that I was reading were all about when I had recently moved here and how my friends and I were adjusting to our new lives, in the various different countries that we went to for university. (On a side thought, I was always amazed at how people from all different parts end up at OSU... but I guess I'm just one of them too! haha)
Ok, moving on :P...
[I purposely do not organize the thoughts in this blog... it's not systematic because I like to put down things as they come in my head... it makes me feel like it preserves the essence of my craziness! :) ]
So yeah, reading my old messages really got me reminiscing and thinking about how even someone like me, at the age of just 22, has so many dimensions and stories to my life. There's days that I feel like I've been living in the US forever, but then when I sit back and think about it... my life was sooooo different just around 4 1/2 years ago.
Sigh... I am just easily excited, maybe.
I mean the stuff I write most people, like me, probably already know... but isn't it strange that one can feel so awe-ed when they re-realize something! Haha... a total 'AHA' moment :P
I love reflections.
And, with this I'll end :D
Peace.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
This little girl is grateful...
(Continued).
Around 15 years ago, this little girl moved to the Middle East because her father landed a job there... she carried her stuffed toy Dalmation and rode a plane for the longest trip she had ever taken in her life (well, the one she remembers anyways).
She had just finished first grade and celebrated her 7th birthday a month ago, for the last time, with her cousins and her best friend Erin C.
So yeah, her family left all that was known, comfortable and secure for a life in a country where they knew they could provide their daughters with an even better life.
Flash forward to the year 2005 and the eldest daughter (me) graduates High School and so it's time to move back to the once known, comfortable and secure lifestyle... which now seemed like the opposite (after 11 yrs of living in the Middle East).
After many many many teary goodbyes to friends who became more like family, we returned to real family in the United States.
Once again, here enters the once little girl who had moved out of the US at the age of 7 and has now come back as an 18 year old adult. She is unsure of what the future holds for her and finds it hard to completely blend in... she does not have a drivers' license, dresses differently, has a slight accent, never had a job and has never had any schooling in the United States since 1994.
She moves to the US in July and starts practicing driving right away, even though her family has only one car at that time. She lands a job at Macy's and starts working there by August 12th and starts schooling at a community college by September.
She finds is hard to adjust because other people seem to be able to sense that she is different too, and although she is kind and friendly... she is shy and without prodding finds it hard to make friends in the first year of college.
The second year gets better, when she meets 'S' in an Arabic class and they become friends :) [Unfortunately, 'S' is no longer a friend because she found a larger group or friends and eventually stopped caring for me]. 'S' is half German and half Palestinian.
[[Eventually I move out of the community college and transfer to the state university over here.]]
One friendship led to many others and here I am in the year 2009 all ready to graduate from college and I was overwhelmed by the number of 'actual' friends which I had on facebook (even after cutting down ppl who were just acquaintances, I had around 200 friends that I was pretty close to!).
So yeah, I have a looot to be grateful for... I would have never thought that a shy little girl who was the only Asian (the indo-pak type :P) in her whole elementary school would grow up to spend her whole life in a foreign country and then come back and start over... struggle, but thrive in the United States.
I remember how difficult, emotional and hurtful my first year of college was... and now all I have are fond memories, alhamdulillah (Allah is worthy of All Praise).
I am going to be the first one in my family to have an American degree and my parents could not be prouder. I am grateful to them because they're the ones that worked hard and paid my tuition each quarter, sometimes struggling with it, so that I would not have get any student loans when I start off my own life.
So, I think I have finally deciphered the real reason for my nerves... a chapter of my life is now closing and another one is now starting... one that I don't know much about...
But, recalling how I've done it many times before... I have faith that I'll be able to get through ok :)
Thank you God for all the mercy, love and guidance that you have bestowed me with.
Around 15 years ago, this little girl moved to the Middle East because her father landed a job there... she carried her stuffed toy Dalmation and rode a plane for the longest trip she had ever taken in her life (well, the one she remembers anyways).
She had just finished first grade and celebrated her 7th birthday a month ago, for the last time, with her cousins and her best friend Erin C.
So yeah, her family left all that was known, comfortable and secure for a life in a country where they knew they could provide their daughters with an even better life.
Flash forward to the year 2005 and the eldest daughter (me) graduates High School and so it's time to move back to the once known, comfortable and secure lifestyle... which now seemed like the opposite (after 11 yrs of living in the Middle East).
After many many many teary goodbyes to friends who became more like family, we returned to real family in the United States.
Once again, here enters the once little girl who had moved out of the US at the age of 7 and has now come back as an 18 year old adult. She is unsure of what the future holds for her and finds it hard to completely blend in... she does not have a drivers' license, dresses differently, has a slight accent, never had a job and has never had any schooling in the United States since 1994.
She moves to the US in July and starts practicing driving right away, even though her family has only one car at that time. She lands a job at Macy's and starts working there by August 12th and starts schooling at a community college by September.
She finds is hard to adjust because other people seem to be able to sense that she is different too, and although she is kind and friendly... she is shy and without prodding finds it hard to make friends in the first year of college.
The second year gets better, when she meets 'S' in an Arabic class and they become friends :) [Unfortunately, 'S' is no longer a friend because she found a larger group or friends and eventually stopped caring for me]. 'S' is half German and half Palestinian.
[[Eventually I move out of the community college and transfer to the state university over here.]]
One friendship led to many others and here I am in the year 2009 all ready to graduate from college and I was overwhelmed by the number of 'actual' friends which I had on facebook (even after cutting down ppl who were just acquaintances, I had around 200 friends that I was pretty close to!).
So yeah, I have a looot to be grateful for... I would have never thought that a shy little girl who was the only Asian (the indo-pak type :P) in her whole elementary school would grow up to spend her whole life in a foreign country and then come back and start over... struggle, but thrive in the United States.
I remember how difficult, emotional and hurtful my first year of college was... and now all I have are fond memories, alhamdulillah (Allah is worthy of All Praise).
I am going to be the first one in my family to have an American degree and my parents could not be prouder. I am grateful to them because they're the ones that worked hard and paid my tuition each quarter, sometimes struggling with it, so that I would not have get any student loans when I start off my own life.
So, I think I have finally deciphered the real reason for my nerves... a chapter of my life is now closing and another one is now starting... one that I don't know much about...
But, recalling how I've done it many times before... I have faith that I'll be able to get through ok :)
Thank you God for all the mercy, love and guidance that you have bestowed me with.
Thinking... unwelcomed.
I'm so confused about my future that whenever I think of it I start hyperventilating... wow! don't tell me I'm gonna get my very first batch of panic attacks over this!!!
Anyhow, so I turn to my younger sister for advice when I know I'm thinking (the verb) myself crazy... and she gave me another insight into things... well I guess it wasn't really 'another' idea... maybe just something that I was forgetting to remind myself of, due to my constant panicking! So anyways, she told me to relax and take a deep breath and that getting married/graduating doesn't mean that I still don't have time to do anything with my life.
Sigh... I never thought I'd feel like this when the time came. I don't think I was this nervous when I got married! yikes... somethings gotta give.
Well, so I guess overall I'm feeling a little better although I'm still pretty emotional :(
Partly, I think I'm using my insecurity over graduating to cover up all of the other billions of things that I'm feeling a roller-coaster of emotions about...
I'm once again leaving my family, this time somewhat permanently... I'm just so close to them, and thankfully now that hubby and I are moving to NC we'll be much closer to OH than we previously were... meaning more visits home.
But I can't help but feel sad... the last time I was there (this summer) was really hard without my family... because even though I've found my soul mate and feel complete, it feels like this other part of my life is missing.
Gosh, now i'm tearing up :( I'm really gonna miss my time in OH and OSU.
Jeez, I think this post is turning into something else.
(to be continued, in another post).
Anyhow, so I turn to my younger sister for advice when I know I'm thinking (the verb) myself crazy... and she gave me another insight into things... well I guess it wasn't really 'another' idea... maybe just something that I was forgetting to remind myself of, due to my constant panicking! So anyways, she told me to relax and take a deep breath and that getting married/graduating doesn't mean that I still don't have time to do anything with my life.
Sigh... I never thought I'd feel like this when the time came. I don't think I was this nervous when I got married! yikes... somethings gotta give.
Well, so I guess overall I'm feeling a little better although I'm still pretty emotional :(
Partly, I think I'm using my insecurity over graduating to cover up all of the other billions of things that I'm feeling a roller-coaster of emotions about...
I'm once again leaving my family, this time somewhat permanently... I'm just so close to them, and thankfully now that hubby and I are moving to NC we'll be much closer to OH than we previously were... meaning more visits home.
But I can't help but feel sad... the last time I was there (this summer) was really hard without my family... because even though I've found my soul mate and feel complete, it feels like this other part of my life is missing.
Gosh, now i'm tearing up :( I'm really gonna miss my time in OH and OSU.
Jeez, I think this post is turning into something else.
(to be continued, in another post).
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Gradually graduating...
The other day I sat down for one last time to schedule college classes, for my last quarter at OSU.
I was pretty excited about graduating, until upon scheduling everything, the reality of everything set in... it's like now that I know that I'll have more free time and won't have to be in school no more, I feel like I don't want to leave.
It's really a strange feeling and I have been struggling with the decision of whether I should go to grad school or not.
It's just all very confusing to me... so here, as I wait to take a midterm for the last psych class that I'll ever be taking (I am well over the credit requirements for my major in psych, so I won't be taking another next quarter), I'm blogging like I don't have a worry in the world.
I know I want to be a stay-at-home mom when I have kids, which could be soon if Allah blesses us insha'Allah, because both my husband and I love kids... but then at other times I feel like shouldn't I do more with my life? This, in turn, brings me to the other difficult question... should I wait to have kids? (Till now I've been telling 'A' that I want one like crazy and don't want to wait too much, but I guess a few months/one year shouldn't be too bad? ugh... someone please give me the answers!)
I really wanted to go into Speech Therapy and a Masters would allow me to work in that field and help countless people. Don't get me wrong, I still only wanna work after my (future) kids were in school and that, too, part time. I have no intentions of being some overworked mom who does not have time for the house or kids... I truly believe that is my primary goal.
Maybe my thoughts are based on some of form of insecurity I have for the future... but at the same time, I feel like I want to live a little... in the sense that I wanna try my hand at different things... Where all of this will take me, I'm not really sure...
For one, I'm married... so I have a definite place that I need to be at... at home, caring for my husband. Secondly, I really don't even know where to turn to if I wanted to do anything anyways...
I just hope I don't take the easy way out and do nothing with my life...
Oops! Gotta go and take that exam now.
Peace :)
I was pretty excited about graduating, until upon scheduling everything, the reality of everything set in... it's like now that I know that I'll have more free time and won't have to be in school no more, I feel like I don't want to leave.
It's really a strange feeling and I have been struggling with the decision of whether I should go to grad school or not.
It's just all very confusing to me... so here, as I wait to take a midterm for the last psych class that I'll ever be taking (I am well over the credit requirements for my major in psych, so I won't be taking another next quarter), I'm blogging like I don't have a worry in the world.
I know I want to be a stay-at-home mom when I have kids, which could be soon if Allah blesses us insha'Allah, because both my husband and I love kids... but then at other times I feel like shouldn't I do more with my life? This, in turn, brings me to the other difficult question... should I wait to have kids? (Till now I've been telling 'A' that I want one like crazy and don't want to wait too much, but I guess a few months/one year shouldn't be too bad? ugh... someone please give me the answers!)
I really wanted to go into Speech Therapy and a Masters would allow me to work in that field and help countless people. Don't get me wrong, I still only wanna work after my (future) kids were in school and that, too, part time. I have no intentions of being some overworked mom who does not have time for the house or kids... I truly believe that is my primary goal.
Maybe my thoughts are based on some of form of insecurity I have for the future... but at the same time, I feel like I want to live a little... in the sense that I wanna try my hand at different things... Where all of this will take me, I'm not really sure...
For one, I'm married... so I have a definite place that I need to be at... at home, caring for my husband. Secondly, I really don't even know where to turn to if I wanted to do anything anyways...
I just hope I don't take the easy way out and do nothing with my life...
Oops! Gotta go and take that exam now.
Peace :)
Saturday, November 7, 2009
winter break and moving...
I have decided to continue living in OH until I graduate in March but I will be going to SC to spend my winter vacation with my husband 'A'.
My husband had just booked my tickets when we found out that he'll be moving to NC by the end of this month...
Well, this move did not come as a surprise to us really, just because he had asked his manager to be considered to be transferred if an opportunity/opening showed up at the NC office.
There are many reasons for why we wanted to move to NC...
Firstly, there's a much bigger Muslim community... meaning that there's a proper mosque and religious activities which go on over there.
Secondly, we can get halaal meat over there easily... right now in SC we had found a place which was 2 hours away!
Third, 'A' had decided that wherever we move to, we wanna be close to family and so alhamdulillah moving to NC, as opposed to staying in SC, moves us to a 6 hr drive to OH :D Meaning more visits home... or that 'A' can actually come over the weekend and pay me a visit while I'm still here for school.
Alhamdulillah for everything...
The only thing is, we have to pack!
My husband had just booked my tickets when we found out that he'll be moving to NC by the end of this month...
Well, this move did not come as a surprise to us really, just because he had asked his manager to be considered to be transferred if an opportunity/opening showed up at the NC office.
There are many reasons for why we wanted to move to NC...
Firstly, there's a much bigger Muslim community... meaning that there's a proper mosque and religious activities which go on over there.
Secondly, we can get halaal meat over there easily... right now in SC we had found a place which was 2 hours away!
Third, 'A' had decided that wherever we move to, we wanna be close to family and so alhamdulillah moving to NC, as opposed to staying in SC, moves us to a 6 hr drive to OH :D Meaning more visits home... or that 'A' can actually come over the weekend and pay me a visit while I'm still here for school.
Alhamdulillah for everything...
The only thing is, we have to pack!
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