Relationships are hard.
Marriage is full of amazing days and lot of good times, believe me.
But of course, it would be untrue to say that you'll never have the occasional argument. Also, I believe I have mentioned before it's always about something small!
What have I learned through my over one year of being married?
Guys and girls think very differently.
And so, unfortunately it seems that a lot of times things get lost in translation.
Ok, before I get into this post, I wanted to let you all know that maybe later in this blog I'll share the stuff which I have been learning in my Psych of Interpersonal Relationships class.
Back to posting now...
Hmmm... yeah, so I take myself to be very well read when it comes to relationship advice books, columns and everything. Why? Haha, more out of personal interest. There was a time when I thought of going into marriage counseling as a career choice too, I guess it could still happen...
So anyhow, yeah there's a few things I know (I don't remember if I've ever mentioned these before) like:
* It is best to use XYZ statements when dealing with an issue that may be upsetting you about your partner. For example instead of saying "You're so annoying, you're always making a mess!", it's more efficient to say " When you come home and put your clothes in the wrong place, I feel annoyed". Obviously this was just a random example.
So yeah, XYZ statements rely on the pattern "When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z".
* Take turns talking, let your partner finish stating how they are feeling before you start with your own feelings. And, throughout your conversation hint back to things that your partner said (paraphrase) so that you validate that you were actually listening.
A word of advice, it takes some training to usually get guy to talk about their feelings, but in the long run it is important that both partners are able to communicate their feelings with each other (I'm still working on this one).
Ok, so these were just 2 bits of advice that I've shared from academia.
The rest pertains to my own life experiences and has statistical backing as well.
What I think is the best piece of advice that I can give to anyone is... COOL OFF before you continue your conversation.
Meaning, something has upset you and you want to talk about it... but obviously you are upset and you may have every right to be (emotions aren't rational, always, yet they should not be shrugged off... Personally I HATE it if people tell me "Oh you're always crying!"... Dude, I don't do it for theatrical effect! I do it coz i'm actually upset, whether you approve or disapprove). Well instead of doing what you feel like doing, move away! YES, YOU... MOVE!
Why? Isolating yourself from a potentially damaging argument, while you are being irrational, is better than 'talking' about it right then and there.
Sounds strange, huh?
Well statistics show that the number of arguments that a couple has does not play as big a role in determining whether they'll stay together, as does ever rare, but ugly, fighting.
It is important to be polite and stay calm/collected while arguing as well and this cannot be achieved unless you have given yourself enough time to flush out all of that extra adrenaline.
Honestly, I'm sure all of us has said at least ONE thing to someone while we were angry which we regretted later.
So yeah, fight... but do it tactfully! Nobody likes ugly :S
Now, back to me...
I feel truly blessed because I have the most caring and considerate husband alhamdulillah.
The only problem is... we have 2 very different ways of dealing with things!
He prefers to avoid fights by avoiding the topics and I'm ok with jumping into the topic head first... but of course, after my cool down period.
Another problem, usually him and I argue over the phone... so he gets offended over why I hang up on him when I'm upset. So yeah, girls will think 'Oh, he should understand that I'm angry because of so and so'... but darling! He's clueless... poor guy misses the forest (the issue raised during the argument) and is focusing on the tree (hanging up)... so of course he feels hurt! :(
This is where I'll say that girls need to be trained... be open to your husband.
Explain to him beforehand that when you argue, you aren't upset with HIM but instead you're upset with an issue... Trust me, he'll miss that. (I love you, honey!)
Also, explain to him that you need some time to cool down so that you can be rational... and discuss these techniques with him on a normal day when you're being all cuddly so that he won't be hurt by your actions on the day in question. Because otherwise he might think that you need space from him.
So yeah, if you have married Mr. Right it's the little things that drive you nuts but hopefully some of the advice that I put down here will help :)
Pardon me for any grammatical errors or senseless sentence formations! It's 5:30 a.m. and I have not slept all night :(
Keep me in your prayers and I hope that all of you find Mr. Right and live happily ever after (remember to achieve that, it takes tactfulness and skills... we ain't livin' in no fairytale!)
Source of Information: http://www.amazon.com/Intimate-Relationships-Rowland-Miller/dp/0073370185/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1259231531&sr=8-1
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