Dear Inspiration

Dear Inspiration,

Most of my 20s, and most of life, was spent being a wallflower and not really making many decisions for myself. I basically did what "felt" right but actually without much thought or feeling being involved. I went from finishing college, where I did just 'okay' because even there I had no confidence, never really took any risks nor "made" many decisions. Then I got married, even before I graduated, because that is what I thought I wanted, which honestly was also kind of an escape from the black/white life that I was stuck in. Thankfully I married the perfect person, and may the Lord bless him because he put up with a lot of crap that came with not really knowing what I was doing?

I didn't really know what I was doing...and only in the past year have I really started finding out who I am...and it took me 4 years to come to that point, in the first place. I never learned to expect more for myself or to do things for myself, all I had been taught was to do things for others.

When I first got married, I thought I had it in me just to serve another human being...cook and clean (although I sucked at it), and that that was all there was to life. I thought I would find meaning in that. But again, that was just me trying to escape the life that I had been in prior to my marriage.

So the first many years in my marriage soon became about "me me me", once I figured out I was no good at the whole being a "dutiful" wife thing. Again, thank you to my husband for being an amazing human being!

Anyways, so it took being diagnosed with secondary infertility for me to start questioning life and my purpose in it. Naturally any person that got married to a great guy, had one adorable child, would want to add to their family...my husband and I always discussed maybe having
four kids. The day we officially got the diagnosis was a very difficult one. I felt like the ground beneath me had opened. I had gto have my mom come over to stay with me for two days, which is all she could do due to work. I couldn't function. Everything sucked. You see, after marriage, I had only ever thought of being a mom as the most fulfilling role. I honestly let the role define me, and above all it totally consumed me...in an unhealthy way, many times. I had absolutely no life apart from my child. My husband most definitely came last...now I realize that it wasn't the best thing.

Infertility is what made me really have to sit down and reevaluate my life... I no longer had what I thought was my biggest purpose in life, I had to realize that there must be more...

I am still grateful for that. Secondary infertility, now in hindsight, was one of the best things that happened to me...because believe me, it tore me apart...

What happens when you reach your bottom, are torn up and totally shredded apart? Well, you are forced to rebuild yourself. I had a child and a husband whom I loved to the moon and back... they allowed me to rebuild myself from the bottom up.

That is what brought me to this point...

A New Beginning?

Blogging has been something that I have been doing VERY on and off over the past 9 years!

This blog has 'seen' me through school, weight troubles, marriage, ups and downs, pregnancy and our adoption journey.

Since I've entered a new decade, in the last few months, I am kind of stuck trying to explore what I want to do with my life...but moreso, I am trying to figure out if maybe I have something that I might have to offer to the world?

A lot of my 20s was trying to figure out who I was and just trying to roll with the punches of being a young person, getting married younger than most people around me and then of starting a young family. As I have entered my 30s, and I now have a child in school and one who is a toddler, I am trying to figure out where to further direct my life? I guess, what is the next chapter for me?

I feel this energy in my chest and I feel like I am on the verge of something, and that my heart is just willing and wanting to explode...my biggest problem is that I am struggling with where that direction is? Where do I channel all of this energy and passion that I have? It is weird...I honestly do not know what I want to do with my life...

But then I think, maybe I do know what I want to do, but I feel restricted by housework, having to care for the kids and just the day to day life...I don't think I have the time or resources to really research what I am passionate about. If I sit back and think about it, I think that realization is the one that scares me the most...that maybe it's not meant for me?

I love my kids, my husband and my life...and caring for them used to fulfill me in a way that nothing did, and it still does, but now I think I want an identity for myself as well. Something that will make me feel like I am living my true purpose in life.

I have been blessed beyond measure, I am so grateful for all of the things, good and bad, that have happened in these past 9 years. I married the most amazing guy, who gave me the confident to discover myself and my worth. I got to experience motherhood x 2 even after struggling with the heartache and pain of infertility.

I am just torn right now...I feel like I am at the verge of something amazing but I am also limited by the other hats that I wear. If I were to honestly, just for the first time, put to "paper" what I would need, to reach where I want to be (the thoughts that I am so afraid to say out loud/or even think about)...I would want someone to take over cooking, cleaning for a few months and maybe find a babysitter to watch the kids for just 1-2 hours per week so that I would have some "alone" and "quiet" time to explore the possibilities out there in the world for me.

There, I said it, and I already feel so much lighter :)

Thank you blog.

I always say I will come back and write again...

Writing has always been something that comes easy to me and at times it is therapeutic...yet, at the same time, it isn't easy...I lack discipline, and I think that is because when I write I only write with passion.

I struggle to write when I am not feeling super passionate about what I am putting to paper...errr blog!

This is the reason why I leave this blog, and yet I come back... it has been 9 years since I first started this blog...I have been married for almost 9 years, have been through many ups and downs in my life, have a biological kid, have an adopted kid and here I am writing again.

I think there is something beautiful and familiar about why I always come back to this blog...it is nice to get an insight into my own mind from time to time. I started this blog when life was easy, it was simple...there were no kids or big chores, or work, to distract me.

When I look at my life now, the only leisure time that i have is when i am running away from my chores...which is often, i must add ;)

Even though my life has been busy before, I think it turned over a new leaf in the past 2 years. Before the past 2 years happened, I guess we would have to rewind back to the past 4 years...

4 years ago is when my husband and I were officially diagnosed with secondary infertility. It was so hard, especially at first, to admit that there was a problem. The hardest part was now being a statistic and having a lable...before that my husband and i were newlyweds, new parents, first time parents and then the couple with secondary infertility. It was rough and it bruised my ego a bit too.

Those moments led to our decision to adopt our second son 2 years ago...

To be continued...

That Day...

I haven't "felt" the same, since that day
I haven't laughed the same,
Nor breathed the same,
I haven't been the same,
Or loved the same...
I haven't been whole the same, since that day

Something was lost, on that day
I have been trying to catch my breath
Since it was lost, on that day
I haven't cared the same as I did, on that day...

Life got better and I picked up the pieces,
I moved on, from that day
I rose in strength, from that day
I still question it all from time to time,
But I have grown regardless, from that day...

I must remind myself that life is a journey,
I still have a lot, despite that day
I must not forget,
Life has been good, despite that day

I will feel better, on a day soon to come
This is His Promise, only that which I can take
Will be sent my way,
I continue to trust His Love, every day.

A Day In Meknes Courts Etc

to come soon

Our son, Baby J

to come soon

Drive To Meknes

to come soon